So, this is our 30's...
So, this is our 30's...
Okay before the real post, today, could only be described as a nightmare. SO totally feel free to skip this part. I have been dealing with a few medical issues, and I was in so much pain today after being on the phone and no one having availability, I end up driving to the clinic crying, begging anyone to see me, which let me tell you I am not very big crier. Finally someone "assess" (is that just ass? es? I have no idea,). I go to 3 different people, and I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow. I am in so much pain, they gave me some muscle relaxers they aren't the good ones.
Okay, now to the real thing. over Halloween I had a totally realization (while having a great time in the city with my girlfriends and not having to fight the ex to go out with a bad attitude). I may not have a huge circle of friends, but they are the most loyal people I know. Loyalty means the world to me, not only am I picky about men, but also those we consider our family out side our actual family, the family you can choose. People you can trust with anything, where they’ll stand up for you when your in the wrong (and let you know later - girl you were wrong), the ones that love you for who you actually are, and put up with all your crap and you do the same. I have a few amazing girlfriends I can put into that category. Sadly, I lost 2 of my very closest friends….the two I thought I was closest with…and I should have seen it coming and I didn’t. I live about 50 mins from the ones I mentioned above, these two were the ones I saw locally, my wine buddies, my “I need a night out”, the I’ll watch this movie - but just for you, part of my chosen family as I like to call it.
I’m partly to blame. During this time my ex and I were still together, and he would make mean comments about them (not to their face), and in the 3 1/2 years he saw them maybe 3 times. I met these two in college (over 10 years ago) and we had so much fun together. Carnivals, food trucks, picking up guys, dinner drinks, nights with crappy tv, you name it. I came from a poor upbringing (money wise) and they did too, and for some reason this bonded us as well. We knew what it was like to be overdraw by $300, and have no money. They were even there during my “air mattress time” (referencing post below). God have things changed. I thought one day these two would be my bridesmaids.
I worked really hard to get into the “middle class” and I use that lightly…I have tons of school loans, car loans, and bills. I might make money, but with medical bills, and rent, and my loans, I owe more than I make. I moved away from that city we were all in to a much much safer area, and closer to my aging mother. Then when I finally got a good paying job, I was so relieved, but this is when I could feel things changing, I just didn’t realize it. My crappy old car - I think it was some kind of 97’ Honda transmission blew out, I went bought BRAND NEW :) 08’ car, I think this car was like 4 years old - kinda joke. Things changed even more. I remember going to a camping event, and hearing someone say “oh here comes the rich girl”. It was a bad night in a lot of ways and I couldn't wait to leave the next morning. Then my girlfriends invite me to a concert, we arrive separately, they barely talk to me, and then on the way out, when were supposed to meet for some tacos, they lose me in the crowd.
Clearly my job and apartment were a problem. I would have thought they would have been happy for them, and I even tried to get them a job there. The last straw came with the Ex and I broke up. But here is where I am also at fault - unless I really really trust you (and by this point I had closed myself a lot by their strange behavior). I was so private I barely told them about the stress I was under during the ex’s anxiety issues and how to help him, my only support system was 50 mins away, the rest of my girlfriends. They knew very little about the trouble we were having but they did know some. The day I broke u with my ex I texted them (it’s 2015 and I was upset and like to keep my tears private), and I explained we weren’t a good fit, and I was having panic attacks about him not being able to see my nephews , or travel at all (with massive anxiety). They responded “What???” ,“I thought you were in therapy?”, “Be honest with us, did you cheat on him?”, “You can tell us if you did.” Of course I didn't I would never do that. loyalty is the ONE thing I ask for, how could they think that of me??? I didn’t and never would.
I was upset to say the least, they then, deleted and blocked me on Facebook….for a guy who thy saw maybe three times, and never had a good thing to say about them. I was beyond shocked. I wish I could say I was sad, but I had seen the lead up to this relationship ending. I wasn't hurt. I was mad. I was mad at their lack of loyalty and trust in me, for with gave them or over 10 years. Then I see their boyfriends have done the same……it felt like high school. I was a good friend to them. We spent every week together or at least every other week. A few months later one of them messaged me on Facebook and apologized. It’s too late in my mind. That trust is gone and I just couldn’t write back. For me now after that betrayal in so many ways — along with not being there for me during a really rough time,
It makes it hard these days when my real girls not all live in the big city and I am in the burbs. I get to see them maybe once or twice a month. It’s hard. But I’m getting through it. I’m hoping to make some new girlfriends that I can be open with again near me, or even move closer to those girlfriends/chosen family. They have been with me through everything in the last 5 years, They are the most loyal people every, and can tell me anything without judgement as can I to them. But I definitely had some grief over how it ended with my other “friends”. It was a good lesson for me to learn, watch out for those snakes in the grass.
Few changes to the site, I felt name wasn't all encompassing, and reflecting my posts.
I took a music class in college as an elective. I figured it would be easy, music 101. It was pretty great though. At the end of the the last day of class for that semester we had to pick a song and write an essay about what made it successful. not just based on how you felt, or what it made you feel, but how the different instruments were used etc. (I bullshitted most of it, the song reminded me of what my life was going to become). My first real boyfriend I had I met when I was 16....and we ended up together 8 and a half years. We basically grew up together we were so young. I got accepted into a good school my mom really wanted me to go to, and I had some financial aid. I really didn't care at the time, I felt like I had to go, just like a lot of others. A year later I transferred to his school. We just couldn't be apart. We used to watch TV shows together (SVU) over the phone. It was that first time love. Before your heart breaks for the first time. We constantly talked to each other, drove to meet when we lied to our parents. I was 19 and I knew I would never love anyone else. It was that magical teenage love.
We had no money and lived in a really bad area where our cars were broken into countless times, and I was robbed at gunpoint at 711 for $20. It didn't matter as long as we were together. Rich or poor we were never going to stop loving each other.
We all have that person.
We spent every second together until he got a great job....and I didn't. And then things changed. He hit me in the face at a chevron, and ruined my favorite shirt. He was so apologetic after. It was wrong of him. But I stayed, I loved him. A few months later he broke my thumb and phone and we had to go to the emergency room. He left me for his co worker. I lost him, and his family that I loved and needed so much. My heart broke into a million pieces. That person I was, that magical love disappeared. The person I was changed forever. He moved out that day. I never wanted him back again, but I was so sad , I missed him, and his mom, and dad, and brother. I had to leave the apartment we had, but I still paid the rent and moved in with my mom for a year. He and I had gotten this little puppy, and I needed help until I got back on my feet. I eventualy got a job, and moved back, where everything reminded me of him. I missed his mom so much. She called crying saying she was sorry and hoped he didn't regret this later.
We all go through bad things, learn from them, grow. We all have that first love, where you'd do anything for one another...but then it slowly changes....I heard this song come on over my pandora, the one I picked for that music class, and it reminded me of those good times we had - the fun we had, how open we were to each other for some time. Giggling until all hours of the night, playing video games, game nights at his parents house, riding around in his car, sneaking off to places that were of limits to make out and I was constantly missing curfews (in highschool), but it was so worth it at the time, sneaking him into my moms house.
Hearing this song brought a smile to my face, it reminded me of what it was like to me a kid still, and really we all experience that first love. I pulled it up on repeat a few times.
I know no one listens to Angels and Airwaves but they were big with Blink 182 when I was growing up. And I loved punk rock.
At 5 am - I won't be able to sleep tonight, I get a ping and its a friend request from a guy from that same party, and I don't think we even interacted, maybe eye contact once when I was walking down some stairs, . hmmmm.....
I hope everyone had a safe and fun Halloween this year. I usually dress up as a cop but decided that this year it might be too controversial for me to deal with. I did how ever go for the french maid costume, maybe I'll post a photo below, I haven't decided yet.
I looked great though.
I live a ways from the biggest city near me where most of my friends live, so I don't get to see them that much, so tonight was great. We met for wine, and appetizers and then we went to a great house party, seriously amazing house. I realized I haven't really celebrated Halloween in 3.5 years because the ex always hated going to events, so we usually just passed out candy.
I had a great time drinking wine, flirting with a few guys - although they all live too far away to date - I can't date someone 45 min - 1hour with the kind of schedule I have and a dog. Plus to me it means the "bag drop" they live just far enough away for the "It's late I should just stay here" song and dance, or it's too far of an uber/life ride. Every guy seems to say it doesn't matter how far away we live, but where I am traffic is horrible. A 20 mile radius seems great :).
I dated this 40 year old recently (many months ago), he was a "bag dropper" and would stay for days on end, we had maybe been dating for a month, and he would constantly stay the night or guilt me into letting him stay because he needed sleep for work yada, yada, yada. He seriously looked just like Ben Affleck (swoon). I was very surprised to find him in the single pool, at 40, when he seemed very nice, caring etc. I told him I wasn't interested in dating someone 1.5 hours away. He promised he would drive to me every time. I feel this would have brought on resentment, and guilt - where I would eventually be packing a bag for the weekend, I don't have time for that.
He kept driving to see me, and stayed some weeknights, maybe 3 time a week. That feels like a lot for knowing one another 1 month. But who knows I have issues. ;).
All of a sudden by month two, I started noticing some of his clothes he was leaving behind, like t shirts, jackets, and dress shoes. WTF I never saw him in those shoes. The next time he came over I had put everything in a nice pile in my closet , and he seemed upset I moved them from the living room areas. It was like claiming territory.
He lives in a really cheap city compared to mine. He couldn't afford to live here doing the work he does, and I have no plans on moving right now.
Half way into month two (6 weeks) he started pressing hard to be in a relationship. I was honest and said I just got out of one a few months ago, and I don't have time for the gym, family, friends, etc if we are always doing the bag drop. I also said that 6 weeks isn't really enough time for me to consider him a boyfriend, how can you know someone after 6 weeks? And in reality, we maybe saw each other 2 -3 days a week during those 6 weeks, after work, ate dinner and chilled most of the time. So...then...he wrote a song for me one night and played it on his guitar. It was so awkward...and I even was like "don't sing or play to loud or the neighbors will here you. "
Ben Affleck was not a match. That night he spent 6 hours trying to convince me to be his girlfriend, to the point I said '"FINE we're together, exclusive, can we go to sleep now???" of course he got upset because I said it like that, but after 6 hours or pressure and me explaining the reasons why it was not getting through to him. The next morning he left and I felt so much better. I broke whatever it was I agreed to the night before.
He then wanted all the things he left at my place. I offered to mail them, or put them on the porch...no he wanted to meet in person. I let him know they would be on the porch for the week and after that, I was throwing it out. How the hell did you leave so much at my place anyways??? I think he was stressed about getting married, now that he was 40 - but I can see why he falls too fast, almost like he's looking for the wife and not the person. Damn he was hot though, but that can change fast when a man opens his mouth.
He contacted me recently, asking me to go to a concert, as "friends". I declined and said I didn't think it was a good idea. He swore, just as friends. He stopped texting after that. he was just too over bearing, and wanted more than I could give, I mean I am not going to be anyone's girlfriend after just 6 weeks. He tried really hard, and did sweet things. Sometimes I feel more like the guy in the relationship. :)
I just found this hilarious:
Feeling this tonight, hopefully in bed early, headed to the big city for Halloween. Let's hope I have the energy after all this surgery business. Promise to get to emails soon. <3
i don't feel much like doing anything but I'm going to see what peoples are up to and see if I can find a sexy costume in time!
I posted much of this in my comment to Sabrina, but I felt like bogging about it, I grew up in a bad situation, my dad - a cop - left my mom with 3 kids 7, 5,4. She wasn't great to us, and we went through a lot but I understand as an adult how mad that must have hurt to be blindsied and then this man showing off a wife 20 years younger. He took all we had, he planned it all out and they moved to Hawaii (he and his new wife). I can't even imagine the fear she felt, and how can you hide that kind of pain from anyone.
We couldn't afford a car or day care fir after school. The police department gave us a car (my dad retired ), it was basically an old 2 seater the 4 of us rode illegally in. My brother and I hid from the afteschool teachers in the bushes until 5pm when she could come pick us up. She worked 3 jobs, hate her life, her situation, and I grew up in a very angry household, but I don't blame her, she did the best she could, and everyone has a story, She didnt want her life ti be this way,
Trust issues, abandonment issues, etc makes me a mess for any relationship. Due to my moms anger as a child I find solace alone, in quiet places where I can just smoke and be alone and not talk. Not weed - although I used to cope with that, I stick to 3 glasses of wine, my only bad vice I;m realyl upset with myself is starting to smoke again, I was doing really well. My mom never remarried. I've never seen a real marriage, Ive only been in dysfunctional ones, one that last many years w abuse, an then even the ex, dealing with his issues of anxiety that was so apparent I don't understand how his mother did not help in or step in a long time ago. I felt this safety and security I'd never felt before with him, so I overlooked a lot. His parents were extremely involved and I grew up very independent . When I tried to bring it up he would just get angry and that was it, I just sat there thinking,he;d make a good dad, i love him, he loves me, but could I not visit my nephew, or will I be taking all my kids alone on vacation? I still remember sitting on his back porch with his mom and her telling me "You can just travel with your friends". WTF, My friends are getting married, having kids, You are actually sitting here looking at another woman, saying this behavior isn't worrisome?
I then ran into some major medical issues he couldn;t talk to me about bc of of the stress......but it was my medical issue?
I don't want to be with him, his family doesn't support him being healthy but it hurt to consider someone a best friend and 4 months later they replaced you, to me that means it wasn't love. I was just his stop before the next one. Seeing hime traveling with her cut the most, in 3 years all I wanted was a vacation just he and I. The medication is def making me more emotional.
---------Response to Sabrina
I broke it off with my ex after 3.5 years,, he had major anxiety issues at the time- major, and I had finally gotten him into therapy, I really thought he was the one. He' still probably one of the best men i know. My sister, lives out of the country - and I went to her wedding stag due to his flight anxiety (were talking a gorgeous Europe vacation). The she had her baby...and of course....made the trip without him, and when saw that baby, my heart grew so big, I NEVER knew I could love like that.
I ended up sky-ping with the bf (now x), and toold him I have to be a part of this childs life, and I need you t be too. We have to come see them at least every other year if we can afford it. His response was "what about every 3?" My heart broke then and there and I ended the call. We did get back together after that but I had such anxiety nd life issues all happening, and he couldn't help me, or be there for me, because he had his own issues. I also keep a lot inside, until it boils over.
So the other night I see pictures of them traveling together, etc, I don;t know why but it def hurt. Way more than thought it would. It felt like you know 4 months later you meet someone, buy a house (he wouldn't even apartment hunt with me). And thi isn't a bad guy, this is a good guy. I went to my mom before hand crying asking her what to do. And telling her the truth, And she said hes a good guy so make sure your sure. I ended up hve a full out panic attack the morning after thr 4th of july, he woke up to me cryin and asking him for ome space just for little bit.
H moved out and erased me his life. I'm such a loyal person seeing the person I love doing what I begged him to to just hurt, =/
No more smoking tomorrow.....or hiding out in the bathroom my safe place (I'm in therapy don't worry). Just facing te facts tha he wasn't really my best friend. And all needed was some time and understanding. Teaches me to look at Instagram huh?
replaced in 4 months =/ after 3 years, no wonder I had intimacy issues. <3 You bloggers!
for some reason I wasn't able to leave your comment Rob. I haven't emailed Sabrina either but I'm going to email you both hopefully today or tomorrow my medical issues of gotten worse and I'm heading to the doctor in about 15 minutes. I would say more and can say more via email if I know that I definitely don't know you because I'd like to keep it anonymous so therefore I really can't say more of what's going on. Sorry using voice text but I promise I'll get back to you guys and I really appreciate any and all the help you can give
First off, please excuse any spelling error, I am all hopped up on meds. I hate that this blog has become less of dating blog and more of a I'm feeling crappy blog.
I had surgery last week...I've been coping, but in a lot of pain, so no dating, and my sleep schedule has gone from being up all night to asleep all day! This week I plan on setting up a date no matter what - but I do see the doctor again Tuesday, so we shall see, but I am tindering like crazy (but not too late at night to make me look crazy) I've got some great outfits to wear which I would post but I'd rather stay anonymous. I did post one to Intagram which you can find here @thefithgoldengirl.
SO.....my family hasn't been able to help, they are out of town, so I have been coping on my own, and like a dummy texting that 3 baby mama guy out of boredom. SO he asks to bring some ice cream and I agree, I'm so bored and wanted a little company but everyone was at work. So he comes over, (note, I rushed to clean up, fix my face up a little, and change into something that made me look less homeless) and I sit on my bed. There is a chair next to my bed as well and he sat there. I thought that was nice of him, and after a bit, I said he could come up and cuddle with me and watch a movie. He declined and said he had some things to do......hmmm......okay, on the phone it seemed like he wanted to hang out. I was more disappointed just because I needed human contact after bed rest for 4 days.
Well he has continued texting, but no offers for a date, calls me cutie, etc, All him making the contact.
Here are some of the texts:
I wasn't quite sure the meaning of the first one....but sure sounds like he's telling me he likes someone else.
Basically....I was lonely, and had him come over, but I consider myself a catch. I am independent, cute, fun, easy going etc. I am glad that we were honest, and I bet me honestly will want him to date me more since I made it clear the "baby momma" thing was an issue for me. I never wanted to date him in the first place, so I'm going to not see him and start looking for someone else, a better fit I don't even know what I was thinking.
Also, thank you for all the comments etc, I need to set up an email account so I can show you the screen shots of why I may not be getting many hits. I really appreciate all the help. Thanks again!!!
lofe got in the way this week ina crappy way so no dates set. Hope you're all having a good week!
I'm a 30 something, living in a busy city in the US. I chose this place to be my outlet for my dating adventures over the next year, while I try and find some version of love. Here I am, in all my horrendous glory.